Once again I am in your debt for saving my butt. Thank you so much!
Right now the Democrats have really become dangerous. They are trying to make people think that I lied about WMD's and my National Guard service.
Your candidacy will make the Democrats really angry at you and that will take the heat off from me, at least for awhile. Besides, angry Democrats do stupid things and that will be helpful to me.
So I really appreciate your help, especially now, to get my approval ratings up, and in November to skunk their whole damn Party once and for all. We own the Congress now but really need a larger majority to control the unpatriotic deviates.
I know I have thanked you before but I must once again tell you how magnificent you are and how I believe Jesus sent you to help me to do His work on Earth.
That work is, of course, fighting evil wherever it exists; and it is rampant right here in our country. The greatest evil is the Democrat Party that protects the evil doers.
Next in evilness are women who have ignored the admonitions in the bible and are acting as if they had brains and ability like men. This cannot be allowed as I'm sure you'll agree.
They must be relegated to their rightful place as housekeepers and mothers and must be forced to keep out of politics unless they are used and guided by men, much as Condi Rice is by me and Dick.
In addition there are the evil tree huggers and everyone who wants to prevent our gaining access to all the oil wells in the world.
I'm sure you understand that we must continue to attack other countries that are evil. It makes us stronger and gives the military something to do by battle-testing our newest weapons of mass destruction.
Now, Ralph, you know I don't approve of gay marriage as you do but you keep right on talking it up because it is sure to drain off more votes from the Democrats.
And don't worry a bit about money because many of us who understand your value will send small, untraceable amounts of cash to your web site. Rush will suggest this to his ditto heads since we all wish you well and want you to mount a strong campaign.
We Republicans really want you to know that you not only have our support but that we agree that you should have the right to run. Don't pay any attention to those Democrat leaders who are screaming that you don't.
These same leaders will surely come to rue the day they conspired to scuttle Howard Dean's campaign by spreading the word that he should be a candidate for the funny farm, not the presidency.
They declared him insane and they declared him unelectable to get their candidate out in front, but it will surely come back to haunt them in November, thanks to you.
Now Dean no longer controls his followers and that means, as I'm sure you know judging by the timing of you announcement, you stand to pick up a goodly number of disenfranchised Deaniacs as well as all those queers.
We've already got FOX News suggesting that Deaniacs are flocking to your campaign.
Finally, don't be put off by all the big words in this letter. I have Condi helping me since women need to feel useful and she can spell. Women do have their uses. <smirk>
Hang in there, Ralph. We all love you to pieces and wish you all the best and we'll continue to send you lots of money.
Again, many thanks,
Copyright 2004 Renee T. Louise and Ruth M. Sprague, Ph.D. These articles may be republished for noncommercial use only, provided that they are copied intact, and that this copyright notice is attached. Address all queries to: email@example.com.